Warrior

This post is best read while listening to "The Warrior" by Scandal featuring Patty Smyth

Survivor… I keep seeing the word survivor everywhere. Random posts about people surviving cancer. Graphics about being a breast cancer survivor. The word should be full of hope and promise, but yet it just makes my heart ache. For whatever reason I was never wild about the possibility of being labeled a survivor. I don’t know why really. When I started this journey, everything was about the fight. Yes, surviving is the ultimate goal, but I didn’t want it to define me. Part of me now wonders if somehow, I knew deep down that this fight would never end.
 
At what point do you label yourself a survivor? When you are finished with chemo? After you have surgery to remove the cancer? When you’ve completed radiation? Someone said that they call themselves a survivor after each chemo session. Ha! If I use this, I’ll be labeling myself a survivor three to four times a month. Could the same thing be said about surviving radiation? I’ve competed my fair share of it and I won’t be surprised if I end up doing another round or two. Can I label myself a survivor at the end of each day because I made it through, or is that what ice cream is for? Even with trying to put a positive spin on it, I still don’t love the word.
 
At the end of the day, my issue isn’t with the word, but the fact that I will never be able to use it. I find myself jealous of people who are labeled breast cancer survivors. The people who rung the bell, who were declared cancer free. They get to go on with their lives and have hope for their future. I’ve never been one to go with the flow or do things to fit in with people. I’ve always walked to the beat of my own drum, so why is it now starting to bug me? Jealousy is a bitter pill to swallow and dang it, I have enough pills to swallow everyday!
 
I’m not going to find any bit of identity with the survivor crowd, or the word. I need to move on and forge a path of my own, like I’ve done so many times before. I still have hopes and dreams, they might just have to be fast tracked to keep up with me. I don't need a label, but more like a title. A bit of a warning of what to expect. May I introduce you to your breast cancer WARRIOR. I might have been dealt a shit hand, but I will place my bet and play on to the next round. There will be moments that I will cry, but I will keep on this journey. Even on days that are an uphill battle, I will fight the good fight and never give up.