​My Christmas Wish 2024

Dear Santa,
 
I hope you don’t find me overzealous in writing to you again so soon, but I’m in need of a Christmas miracle or at least a good bit of Christmas cheer.
 
You see, I did my PET Scan a few weeks ago and the results weren’t so good. The chemo that I started back in September hadn’t done the job that it was supposed to do. The tumor on my lung has grown a bit bigger, a few of the other spots had shrunk a tab bit, but a few others grew. At the end of the day, there weren’t enough positive results to justify continuing with Enhurtu. To be honest I was a bit glad, cause the side effects were not that kind. The only positive thing that I can say about Enhurtu is I got my eyebrows and eyelashes back and a bit of hair on my head.
 
I did a Brain MRI right after the PET Scan and got some good news there. There are no new spots and none of the spots that were treated in the past have grown. It was nice to get a bit of good news after the PET Scan, but it was still hard to be happy about it. I know I need to appreciate the little wins, but I just feel like I have a black cloud following me around.
 
I started a new chemotherapy, Eribulin, the other week with hopes that it will work. The process of the infusion was a bit different from all the others. Gone are the pre-meds of all the steroids and anti-nausea concoctions. I just have to pop one anti-nausea pill before leaving the house. The best part is the infusions only take an hour of my time.
 
I stayed on top of taking my anti-nausea pills, but the nausea was nothing compared to the last chemo. Just when I thought I was in the clear I started running a fever. It wasn’t high, but just enough to make me concerned. The only thing that my nurse and I could figure out is it’s my body reacting to the chemo since I ran a fever after the first dose of the last chemo. The fever is finally gone and I’m hoping it doesn’t come back with my next dose.
 
Now Santa, you might be asking why I am looking for a miracle. Well, this chemotherapy is the last of the chemos that I haven’t tried. After this one runs it course the plan is to revisit chemos of the past giving them a tweak here and there with hopes that the little changes will give big results. This all scares the crap out of me. I know I need to just let is go and deal with it when it comes, but I kinda like having a plan.
 
A friend of mine has been bugging me to start going to a support group. Not just one that is online, but one that is in-person with local people. I have been dragging my heals on this since I was diagnosed. At first it was because I was working and going to appointments and managing life I just didn’t see having time for one more thing. Now, for whatever reason, I see going to an actual group as admitting it this is all real and that sometime soon something bad is going to happen. In my swiss cheese brain I have decided that if I don’t go, then nothing bad can happen. Deep down I know it would be good for me to at least check it out. If you can’t whip up a miracle, I would take a bit of courage to try something new.
 
Thanks for listening Santa. And I understand if I’m asking for too much. I’ll take whatever magic you can spare.