You don't realize how much you need the support of your friends and family, until you are going through hell. The 8 weeks of A&C treatment was definitely taxing on my body, my mind, and yes even my soul. The toll it took forced me to slow down and, for once, put my needs first. Late nights have been banished and I'm no longer surprised if I sleep until 9am and need a nap by 2pm. 

It has been awesome how my support group has shown up for me. It still blows my mind the number of people who want to do something to help. Now, for me accepting the help has been the hard part. I saw accepting help as accepting defeat, and I am not going to lose this fight. Finally, my body yelled at me to not see it as defeat, but to see as an assist in the battle. Game changer! Now instead of it being a one woman show, with my kick ass hubby by my side, we have a fabulous ensemble. 

The meals and treats are amazing and much appreciated. It is certainly nice knowing that I don't have to figure out what we are eating for dinner. With nothing tasting as it should, I don't crave food like I used to. I will say that once my taste buds are back, I'm going out and getting a nice juicy prime rib dinner though. The calls and texts from my friends are priceless. Spending so much time home alone during the day, getting a hello text helps to remind me that I am not alone in this battle. It is really the little things that mean so much.

As I'm typing this, I am getting my first infusion of the T chemo. It is supposed to be easier to tolerate. The downside is it comes with a list of possible allergic reactions. The day before chemo I have to take a bunch of steroids to combat this. The plus side is the steroids make me hungry and I might be able to bench press a car while I'm on them. The downside is I was up until 3am last night. The steroids and my anxiety were stronger than the medication they gave me to counteract it. Another plus is that once they figure out what reactions I might have to it, the infusion time should only be about an hour. I'll take that over the 3+ hours for the A&C. The downside is that I'll be coming to the infusion office twice a week; one time for lab draws and the other for my infusion. At least gas prices are dropping. 

Now to start the countdown on finding the exit on my road through hell. Number 1 out of 12 is almost done. Here's to hoping that there are no potholes in the road and that my friends stick out this journey with me.

Hey Alexa... Play Carly Simon "You're So Vain"

I will be completely honest here. When I was told that I had cancer, the first thing I asked was if I would lose my hair. Was it a bit vain, yes, but there was so much more to it. Having hair made me look "normal". When you don't look sick, you don't get a million questions on how you are doing and feeling. When you have hair, you can go out and not get weird stares. People won't talk behind you back and try to figure out why you don't have any hair. To be honest, I had just gotten my hair where I wanted it. I loved the color and the length. So, when they said that yes, I would lose my hair I started looking into ways to keep it.

The oncologist doctor recommended looking into Penguin Cold Caps. I checked the website out and spoke to the rep for the system, but I wasn't sure if it was what I wanted. To rent the system was expensive. For me it was going to be $450 per month. I am going to be doing chemo for 18 weeks, so I would have to rent the system for 4 and a half months. Was keeping my hair really worth $2,250? The rep said that Bay Area Cancer Connections might have the system available for me to borrow at no charge. This could be a possibility, but I put on the back burner because I was dealing with the millions tests that I had to do. 

One evening after all the tests had dwindled down, I mentioned to one of my dearest friends that I was thinking of using the cold caps and needed to check with Bay Area Cancer Connections about possibly using the system that they had. Low and behold one of her good friends was involved with the non-profit and she would check in with her about me using them. The next day my friend called to let me know that the cold caps were mine if I wanted them. I was completely amazed and shocked that she was able to get everything arranged in such a short time. The only catch was that I would have to pick up the system from the gal that just finished using it. Not a problem! I can handle that.

The next day I took off to meet the gal that just finished using the cold caps. I pull up to her house and see a medium sized cooler on the porch. Well duh Dawn! How else are you going to keep them cold? Then the gal opened the door and I had to control my shock. She had very short and very thin hair. Hmmm... what gives? So, we started talking. It ended up that the chemo regimen she just finished, was the same that I was going to start. She gave me some pointers on what to bring. Told me the best places to find dry ice for the cold caps and then warned me that just the dry ice alone would cost me about $150 per use, or approximately $2,400 for the duration of chemo. She then gave me the run down on wearing them. I would need to put one on an hour before I started chemo, switch to a cold one when I was got to the infusion center and probably have to switch out while I was there, and then wear one at home for another 3 - 4 hours. Someone would have to come with me to each chemo appointment and help switch them out. Oh and did you know that with the type of chemo you will be getting you have a 15% chance of not losing all your hair. What?!?! Even following all the instructions on using the cold caps her hair fell out so much that she ended up shaving her head 3 weeks into treatment. At this point my head was spinning with info. We then parted ways with her saying to reach out if I had any questions. I loaded the cooler into the car and headed home.

By the time I got home I had major doubts on using the system. I had no clue how much all the doctor's bills were going to cost me. How can I justify spending $2,400 on dry ice if I was just going to end up shaving off all my hair anyways? How can I ask family and friends to take time out of their schedule to hang with me at my chemo appointment if the system wasn't going to save my hair? So, I talked to my hubs, my mom and my dear friend who got the system for me and at the end we all decided it wasn't worth it. I let the director of Bay Area Cancer Connections know and she came and picked it up to move it on to the next gal that might be able to use it. 

The time for my first chemo appointment came and I went. I asked the nurse how it would have worked if I was using the cold caps since they aren't allowing visitors in with patients? She said that they do make exceptions for cases like that. She then thanked me for not going the cold cap route. The infusion center is crowded as is and adding in the extra person and cooler makes it a full house. She then gave me the advice to cut my hair. She said it will make things easier as treatment progresses. Deep down I knew that she was right. My hair stylist was so excited to cut my hair. I sat and ugly cried as she took the first cut. I knew that it was the right decision, but sometimes the right thing just sucks. My hair stylist also gave me a few tips... No more blow drying my hair straight, use natural products and wash it 2 times a week max. This should help reduce stress on the hair and hopefully keep it around longer. 

My hair stuck around until after the second chemo session. At first it was like I was a cat or dog shedding in summer. At that point I also decided that we should go look at wigs. San Mateo still has an actual wig shop where you can go in and try on wigs. The owner was super helpful and knowledgeable. We went over the different types of wigs and the average life span of each. I then tried on a bunch of different styles and finally found a winner. The best part was he had it in stock the color that looked best on me, so we were able to bring it home that day. If you are going to go the wig route, don't wait until the last minute like I did. It can take up to 10 weeks for a wig to be produced, so give yourself some time. 

When the hair loss got to the point that I filled a small trash can with my hair in two days, I told the hubs it was time to cut it off. I still had quite a bit left, so I didn't want to shave it completely off. So, he found the number 8 blade that would leave me with about an inch or so of hair and took off what was left of my cute short hair do. As much as I hated to do it, it felt good to not have clumps of it in my hand. The best part is it feels so soft!

Now while I have this great wig, I'll be honest I don't wear it every time I go out. It is pretty, but it's hot! With it being summer in California I'm switching between a scarf like cover and the wig. It all depends on where we are going. I will also give my friends a 5 star review in all of this. They don't give a damn what my hair looks like and if anyone questions my look they are the first to come to my defense. 

I guess I'm not as vain as I thought I was. Well, at least I know the song wasn't written about me.