​Mortality Sucks

Dealing with metastatic breast cancer is a massive roller coaster of emotions. Knowing that your time here is severely shortened is hard to process. For the most part I try not to think about it, but certain things are reminders of what is to come. The passing of Shannen Doherty was a bitter pill to swallow. My high school memories are wrapped around watching Beverly Hills, 90210. Heck, I could sit and watch it now and be taken back in time. I remember when it was announced that Shannen had breast cancer. I was a bit shocked. She was young, mid-forties (sound familiar?), when it was found. It took her fighting cancer for 2 years to find remission, but she did. Three years later Shannen broke the news to her fans that the cancer was back. My heart broke, but I found admiration for her. She continued to work during this time, not letting the cancer get her down.
 
Never would I have thought that I would follow in Shannen’s cancer path. It was two years after she announced the return of her cancer that I found out I had cancer myself. I decided then to take a page from her book and do my best to proceed with strength and grace. It doesn’t happen all the time, but I do try. I remember when I was first diagnosed thinking it was only going to be a 9-month blip on my journey of life. Then, as things changed, it became a year and a half blip on my journey. I always thought that I was going to go into remission. Never did I think that this adventure would still be going on 2+ years later.
 
About the same time that the cancer spread to Shannen’s brain; my cancer did the same. It had already taken up residence in my lung, liver and bones, why not my brain too? I felt a bit bonded to her at this point. I will say that I was glad that my brain progression was nowhere near as advanced as hers, but I understood the fear that she had, because I had it too. Crap, I still have it, because I never know when it could flare again. She ended up having surgery to remove a portion of her tumor, where I have been able to do to radiation to keep it under control. I am also lucky because the chemo that I’m currently on is one of the few that crossed the threshold into the brain and can help with treatment.
 
Unfortunately for Shannen her cancer kept spreading. This possibility causes a lot of anxiety for me when I need to do a PET Scan or a Brain MRI. It is scary how you can feel so good, but have the scan show a tumor has grown, or that a new one has appeared. With tumors growing and appearing out of nowhere, there is also the possibility that the make up of what is fueling the cancer can change. Some people go from estrogen positive breast cancer, to triple negative (meaning no hormones are fueling the cancer) or vice versa. One of the last podcasts she did it sounded like her tumor markings changed. She was hopefully at the end because the change in the tumor markings meant different treatment options. I understand this feeling so much. When they retested the tumor on my lung, I was hoping for any sort of change to help widen my treatment options. Being triple negative leaves you with a very small selection of chemo and immunotherapy treatments. The testing for myself did find a few small changes, so I have a few additional treatment options now available.
 
Shannen’s last pod cast was posted online about 10 days before her passing. In listening to it she sounded good. Hopeful even. I know that there is a possibility that she was faking it. I have done it a million times myself. A little makeup, a lot of Gatorade and some Ensure can help you feel better. She was making plans though. She felt that she had more time to accomplish what she wanted to do in this world.
 
The news of her passing came right before my birthday, and I just had a hard time wanting to celebrate. She had spent 8 years battling cancer, would I make it that long? Being reminded of your mortality sucks. I did my best to try and enjoy my birthday, but it was hard not to slip into the darkness and deal with the what if monsters. What if this is my last birthday? What if the chemo I’m on isn’t working anymore? What if my body is just done? Nobody wants to hear about the what if monsters, but they are there. Some days they are louder than others.
 
After my birthday I did a Brain MRI to check and see what’s going on. I joke and say we do them just to make sure I still have a brain. Chemo has done a number on my memory, so much so that I sometimes wonder if my brain is still there. LOL The scan was finally released to my portal so I could see it. Two brand new spots have appeared. The good news is that they are both tiny. One is even too small to do radiation on. Now to fit a radiation session into my schedule. The downside of radiation is I have to do it during one of my off weeks from chemo. I prefer to spend my off weeks doing something fun, but that doesn’t always happen. I pondered putting off doing radiation for a few months, but don’t want to risk the spots getting too big. I know that I could end up doing another round of radiation on the small one in a few months, but there is always the chance that the chemo might take care of it. I also think that doing the radiation while the spots are still small will help save my brain from becoming swiss cheese. It will just be baby swiss cheese instead. LOL  
 
I’m doing my best to stay positive and find the silver lining, but dang it, it is hard. If all goes to plan, I’ll do radiation the beginning of September. Then I will do another PET Scan mid-September to see if the radiation to my lung worked. I'm sure the what if monsters and the doubts will show up for these scans. They get so loud that I’m unable to ignore them. Sometimes I let them get the best of me and just cry. Other times I do my best to shake it off and do my best to enjoy life. At the end of the day, I want to go out chasing my dreams, not just dreaming. Hopefully I still have a ton of time to make my dreams come true.