Subject To Change

Thank you, Kelsea Ballerini, for releasing Subject to Change just at the nick of time. You are so right... "Sometimes the right and the hard thing are sometimes the same".

There was more changes going on in October than just the weather. I ended September by completing dose 5 of chemo. The days afterward seemed pretty normal. I was tired, but that’s the joys of chemo. I went to have blood drawn on Wednesday, October 5, like normal. The labs came in later that evening. My white blood cell count was low but should be good enough for chemo. I then looked at the number that is for my bone marrow. Gulp… it’s at .5. Bare minim is 1 to proceed. This might not go as planned.
 
I call the doctor’s office that morning to see if we are on schedule. The doctor wants to review it all. If I don’t hear anything by noon start the steroids, just in case. So, at noon I started the steroids. If I didn't start then, I would be on a steroid high come the evening. I finally hear from the doctor’s office. We are putting chemo on hold. Well poop! Thanks to the steroid I no longer need a nap. We are going to need to change your entire schedule so we can add Neupogen to your treatment plan. Umm okay. They then proceed to tell me that I will be doing Chemo now on Monday, followed by Neupogen shots on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and then return on Friday for blood work, so we can start this all over again. I’m not loving all this driving back and forth, but if it will make things easier in the end, I’ll do it. The drawback of the new plan is the fact I can’t get chemo until October 17. 17 long days of hopefully cleaning out my system.
 
I slept a lot during this time. Cried a bit because I was just so frustrated that there is no easy fix to all of this. The shower is the perfect place to have a sob fest.  Most of all I was disappointed that I would still be doing chemo until after Thanksgiving. I blamed myself for not having a proper immune system that couldn't hand off of this. I shamed myself for being broken. After my pity party I stood up and decided that regardless, I had cancer's ass to kick, and I wasn't going to back down. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to squeeze the surgery into this year. I’m being told that this is a good possibility, so I hope they are right!
 
Through the tears and disappointment there was a bit of goodness that came out of it. I was starting to rival Mr. Clean on who has the baldest head. No chemo for 17 days meant that my hair on my head slowly came back. It’s not very long, but it’s very soft. Oh, and it’s not grey!! It's all about the little victories right now.
 
The numbness and tingly sensation that I was starting to develop in the heels of my feet and my pinky fingers has subsided for the time being. The tingly feeling on my togue is almost gone as well and most things taste normal again. I’m so excited for this. Being a foodie and not knowing how awesome something taste is such a bummer.
 
Today, I started my chemo appointment with a quick visit with the doc to touch base and to see how I’m holding up. I’m okay, just want to get the show on the road. She measured the tumor to see if the size has changed and it hadn’t. Boo! She feels like the tumor shifted a bit and has moved closer to the surface. I had thought that myself but didn’t want to sound extra crazy. I will be doing an ultrasound at the beginning of November, so we will know more then. If the tumor hasn’t shrunk anymore by then, then we have a serious discuss about calling off chemo. Its job is to shrink the tumor. If it isn't working, them why put my body though the stress of it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that by adding in Neupogen my body will go back to breast cancer butt kicking super babe I know it can do. Keep your fingers crossed too!