It’s interesting how a celebrity’s passing can affect us. When Olivia Newton-John passed away 2 months into my breast cancer fight, I was devastated. I absolutely loved her. I looked up to her growing up and had wanted to be just like her when I got older. I remember her battling breast cancer in the 1990’s. She fought it so graciously. I figured if she could do it, so could I. Then the news of Suzanne Somers passing broke in October of 2023, and I was stunned. I was about six months into my new battle of breast cancer going wild through out my body. I had finally found a chemo that was working and keeping things under control. I took solace in the fact that she was able to go into remission multiple times and kept up a good fight over the years.
 
For whatever reason, the news of Toby Keith’s passing had me in tears. He had just wrapped up a series of concerts in Las Vegas that past December. He seemed so strong. My heart broke when I heard that he was gone. It made me really realize that just because you look good on the outside, it isn’t always the truth. I will admit that I hate hearing from people how good I look. Makeup does wonders my friends! Half of the time that I’m looking good, I’m really feeling like crap and surviving on steroids, anti-anxiety meds and anti-nausea pills.
 
A week after learning of Toby Keith’s passing, I had what felt like my millionth PET scan. The staff at the cancer center are truly a gem. We spent my time there talking about books and what series I should binge watch next. I have gotten to be so relaxed during the scan that I now take a nap during it. Good thing they strap me to the table. LOL The results were released very quickly after the scan was done. I looked them over and was able to determine that everything seemed to be holding steady. One shining moment was the tumor on my lung has shrunk a bit more. Yippee!!
 
The next day I went to meet with my new chemo doc and go over the scan and my history. I was so nervous! I felt like I was going on a first date. What was on the schedule as a half hour appointment ended up lasting an hour and a half. Now don’t get me wrong… I love my old doc, but my new one feels like a breath of fresh air. She is very clinical, but personable. The best part is that not only does she specialize in breast cancer, but breast cancer that has metastasized to the brain. While we were chatting, she broke the news that the chemo I’m on has a tendency to stop working after approximately 8 - 12 months of treatment. We still have some time before we should see the decline, but she didn’t want me to be shocked when it happens. Also, now is a good time to look at alternative treatment options and possible clinical trials. She is a firm believer in having some sort of plan set out ahead of time. A woman after my own heart.
 
I then asked the question that I, and everyone I know, have been avoiding. My mortality is starting to become the elephant in the room. Nobody wants to talk about it, but everyone is thinking of it. Do I have an expiration date? She made a promise then to never lie to me… I probably only have a few years left. I had a feeling that she was going to say something like that, but it still hit me hard. Nobody thinks that they are going to get cancer, let alone die from it. When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer it was just suppose supposed to be just a slight detour on my life adventure. But my body never got a break. I never went into remission. I will need some form of chemotherapy to keep on living. It absolutely sucks, but I will do what I have to do to stick around.
 
I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. I really wish I knew what this reason was right now.  When I figure it out I’ll let you know. Until then I’ll just keep fighting the good fight.
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I don’t know about you all, but January just flew by! Being home all the time has the days starting to blur. I was ordering something on Amazon yesterday and was upset that I wouldn’t get the item until February. I then realized that the next day would be February, so my wait wasn’t all that long. Thank goodness I have so many appointments during the week. Without them I might not realize it’s Taco Tuesday.
 
I wrapped up January by doing two rounds of radiation for the spots on my brain. Each session took about 20 minutes. Before the radiation sessions could start a new mask had to be made. I feel like with each procedure or test that I have to do I am thanking my lucky stars that I am not claustrophobic. The mask is made from a slightly soft moldable plastic mesh that has an opening large enough for my eyes and nose. That’s it. There are markers on the mask that line up with lasers in the room so that the radiation will only hit the spot it needs to. Once the mask was made, mapping for the surgery had to be completed. That took about a week or so for them to do. The first spot that they targeted was on the left, top side of my brain. The day after the procedure I was zonked! I completely forgot that one of the side effects is tiredness. I slept on and off throughout the day and woke up the next day feeling a bit better and ready to tackle another round. The second round was a bit more intense, but I didn’t know until we were done. This spot was located behind my right eyebrow and was attached to the inside of my skull as well as my brain. The mapping that they did had to be very precise and avoid hitting the optic nerve. The one thing that I learned about radiation is that you need to stay as still as possible. According to the techs, once I was on the table with the mask on I didn’t move a millimeter, making the sessions go smoothly and super-fast. After the second round was done I met with the radiation doc. I was asked a handful of times if I had a headache, and I didn’t. If a headache did develop and wouldn’t go away I would need to do a short round of steroids.  The next day I was zonked again and had a slight headache. The headache responded to Tylenol and rest, so that it what I did. The day after I had radiation, I did chemo. It was also one of my girlfriend’s birthday, and we helped her celebrate. The day after that was one of my niece’s birthday, so we helped her celebrate too! Thank goodness for the steroids they give me during chemo, cause I was certainly partying like a rockstar.
 
Now while all of this was going on I was still dealing with lymphedema and physical therapy sessions, to get it under control. My physical therapist is AMAZING. She has noticed things before they cause any major issues and has been able to help heal things just off of me going “it feels like my shoulder is clicking and it hurts to put my hand in my back pocket”. Apparently, these are the beginning signs of a frozen shoulder. Women who are in menopause can also have issues with a frozen shoulder or two. Oh, and women that are doing chemo and have been forced into menopause also have a higher risk of dealing with frozen shoulder. Great… no, really… awesome. With a bit of therapy and exercise we got it under control. Then I did another round of chemo and both of my shoulders flared. This is my off week from chemo and instead of feeling like I’m on holiday, I’m fighting back tears from the pain of doing simple things, like putting on my seatbelt in the car and lifting up my mug of tea. Heck even taking off my sweatshirt has me cursing up a storm. We hope with the stretching exercises and not doing chemo this week, my shoulders will relax a bit and the pain will die down. Chemo will start again in a week, and I really hope dealing with the beginning of frozen shoulders is not my new normal. The positive bit to doing all this physical therapy is my arm is finally becoming less swollen from the lymphedema! The hope is to start building my strength back soon. Being a lefty and not having the strength and mobility that I’m used to is a big bummer.
 
This February brings a bit of a fresh start for me. My oncologist, who has been through every step of this adventure with me, is taking a leave of absence to take care of her mother. I will miss her tremendously, but I completely understand her reasoning. I’m also looking forward to meeting and working with my new doc. She specializes in breast cancer and has consulted on my case in the past, so she isn’t walking in not knowing anything about me. I will also do another PET scan the day before her and I meet. Hopefully the scan will bring good news. I will also do another Brain MRI this month. The radiation doc wants to keep a close eye on the one spot that wasn’t large enough to be treated. It would be nice if the spot would shrink instead of grow, but if it does grow, she wants to zap it as soon as it is big enough. Here's hoping that my fresh start will bring good news.