Heartbreak

It’s interesting how a celebrity’s passing can affect us. When Olivia Newton-John passed away 2 months into my breast cancer fight, I was devastated. I absolutely loved her. I looked up to her growing up and had wanted to be just like her when I got older. I remember her battling breast cancer in the 1990’s. She fought it so graciously. I figured if she could do it, so could I. Then the news of Suzanne Somers passing broke in October of 2023, and I was stunned. I was about six months into my new battle of breast cancer going wild through out my body. I had finally found a chemo that was working and keeping things under control. I took solace in the fact that she was able to go into remission multiple times and kept up a good fight over the years.
 
For whatever reason, the news of Toby Keith’s passing had me in tears. He had just wrapped up a series of concerts in Las Vegas that past December. He seemed so strong. My heart broke when I heard that he was gone. It made me really realize that just because you look good on the outside, it isn’t always the truth. I will admit that I hate hearing from people how good I look. Makeup does wonders my friends! Half of the time that I’m looking good, I’m really feeling like crap and surviving on steroids, anti-anxiety meds and anti-nausea pills.
 
A week after learning of Toby Keith’s passing, I had what felt like my millionth PET scan. The staff at the cancer center are truly a gem. We spent my time there talking about books and what series I should binge watch next. I have gotten to be so relaxed during the scan that I now take a nap during it. Good thing they strap me to the table. LOL The results were released very quickly after the scan was done. I looked them over and was able to determine that everything seemed to be holding steady. One shining moment was the tumor on my lung has shrunk a bit more. Yippee!!
 
The next day I went to meet with my new chemo doc and go over the scan and my history. I was so nervous! I felt like I was going on a first date. What was on the schedule as a half hour appointment ended up lasting an hour and a half. Now don’t get me wrong… I love my old doc, but my new one feels like a breath of fresh air. She is very clinical, but personable. The best part is that not only does she specialize in breast cancer, but breast cancer that has metastasized to the brain. While we were chatting, she broke the news that the chemo I’m on has a tendency to stop working after approximately 8 - 12 months of treatment. We still have some time before we should see the decline, but she didn’t want me to be shocked when it happens. Also, now is a good time to look at alternative treatment options and possible clinical trials. She is a firm believer in having some sort of plan set out ahead of time. A woman after my own heart.
 
I then asked the question that I, and everyone I know, have been avoiding. My mortality is starting to become the elephant in the room. Nobody wants to talk about it, but everyone is thinking of it. Do I have an expiration date? She made a promise then to never lie to me… I probably only have a few years left. I had a feeling that she was going to say something like that, but it still hit me hard. Nobody thinks that they are going to get cancer, let alone die from it. When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer it was just suppose supposed to be just a slight detour on my life adventure. But my body never got a break. I never went into remission. I will need some form of chemotherapy to keep on living. It absolutely sucks, but I will do what I have to do to stick around.
 
I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. I really wish I knew what this reason was right now.  When I figure it out I’ll let you know. Until then I’ll just keep fighting the good fight.
​