​My goal was to post this earlier like back on May 29, but life has an interesting way of delaying your plans. I am doing my best to give myself some grace when personal projects are not don’t on time, I hope you can too.

I received the results from my PET Scan last week. Well, I ended up going over the results twice. The first time I spoke with the doc that was handling biopsy on my lung. She is also a surgeon that handles various cancer surgeries. She broke the news that the intense back pain was from breast cancer that has spread to three different vertebrae in my spine. Well crap! I wasn’t expecting that. She then recommended that I try an ablation procedure on it. The procedure is done during a CAT scan. They line the needle up with the cancer and freeze the cancer cells. Once everything is all frozen, she will add a bit of a cement product and that will seal the deal. Once I’ve finished chemo again, I will need to do a bit of radiation on it to finish it off.
 
She then explained what she did for the lung biopsy. I laid on my stomach and they numbed up my right shoulder. She then used the CAT Scan to guide her and do her magic. The whole procedure took about 15 – 20 minutes. I then had to lay there and chill to make sure the lung wasn’t punctured. After about an hour they did an x-ray and it came back good. The discharge paperwork was completed, and my mom came and picked me up and took me home. Mom helped me finish so laundry (Thanks Mom!!) Once the hubs arrived home “the changing of the guard commences”.
 
The downside to taking all these pain pills is I can’t drive. On Tuesday my mom came down to pick me up and drove me to the chemo doc. I met the hubs there. They very quickly got us into our own room. Before we knew it the doc was with us. She went over the info that the other doc gave up about my vertebrae. She agreed about the ablation procedure she mentioned and got the paperwork started on it. We didn’t have the biopsy info back, but she was able to say that it was about the size of a golf ball.
 
There was a bit more info… the PET scan is showing three, pin size cancer spots on my liver. Well crap again! Once more info is available from the biopsy she will be able to give me all the options available to us and make a decision on a chemo plan. So we went home and I cried. This was not on my to do list for 2023.
 
As I slowly came to terms with my new fate I came to terms that I would be doing IV chemo again. Thursday evening my chemo doc called and the mass on my lung is triple negative breast cancer. I was discussed at tumor board earlier in the week and they felt Carboplatin/Gemzar would make the best option to kick the cancer out of my body. It is set up to go chemo on Thursday, then chemo the next Thursday, then a week off. So basically 2 weeks on, one week off. This will be done for a few months. Then a CT scan will be done to see how things have progressed.
 
Before we start with the chemo adventure, the docs wanted the whole ablation procedure done and out of the way. They wanted me at the hospital at 8:30am. Mom did the drop off and I felt like I was back in school. The whole procedure went right to plan. They gave me some twilight anesthesia, which does a great job of killing the pain, but they can still communicate with me and vice versa. Thank goodness I could communicate with them! About half-way though my pain level went off the chart. It was so intense I didn’t think that I could handle it. They were able to bring it back down. As they would continue with the procedure there would be pain flairs that I would moan out letting them know about the pain, and they found away to take care of it.
 
Finally, the procedure was over. If it was possible, I would have danced a jig around the entire hospital. Now we needed to figure out how to keep the pain at a low level, so I could go home. Hour after hour the pain kept bouncing around. It was decided around 4pm that I would be spending the night in the hospital. It was safer for me, so I said yes Mom and the hubs went and picked up a few things for me, a girl needs her snacks and phone charger. Once I got in my room, they had me order some dinner, very exciting soup, bread roll, jello, ginger ale, and the best dang cup of tea that I had had in ages. Once I had eaten my pain level seemed to calm down. We finally had reached a good spot, so mom and my hubs headed home and drifted off to sleep. The night was uneventful. We kept the pain meds at the same level, and it seemed to work out fine.
 
Morning came and we put together a pain management plan. I order breakfast (2 cups of tea this time) and the hubs a I headed home. I put on a fresh PJs and made myself comfortable on the couch. The hubs decided to work from home for the rest of the day, just in case I needed anything.
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I am still extremely emotional about all of this and am working on coming to terms with my new road head. I have been trying to lead this parade with grace and positivity and I hope to continue doing so, but well, I am still human. If I happen to have a moment when I fall from grace, please give me a hug as you help me up.

This post might be the hardest one I’ve had to write. I should be celebrating that I am almost through my cancer journey. I should be getting ready for my reconstruction surgery. I should be getting ready to move on.

It was this time last year that I was getting ready for the mammogram to see what this newfound lump was all about. I kept this secret just between the Hubs and I. I didn’t want to say anything if it all turned out to be nothing. There was no need to make a fuss yet. Little did I know then the adventure that I was in for.

About a month ago I started the final stage of my treatment, oral chemo pills. Everything seemed to be okay, and then wham, a sinus infection hit. Thanks to all the rain in California, allergies are at an all-time high and instead of just giving me the sniffles, I got the full-blown infection. One round of antibiotics and I’m feeling better.

Then I start another the next round of chemo pills and I start having low grade fevers and chills. At first, I just racked it up to I’m still recovering from the sinus infection and restarting chemo didn’t help. Probably not a good combo, but so be it. As my temperature increased, so did my concern. The other Friday evening my temperature reached 102.3. Okay that’s high. Popped some Advil and called the chemo doc. She had me take a COVID test (negative) and then we made a plan. If my temperature reached 101 again, I needed to call her office and then head off to the emergency room. My body was nice enough to wait until Saturday, late morning before spiking another fever. Called the doc, put together a bag of snacks and power cords, texted my mom and then off to the emergency room we went.

When we got to the ER we were in luck. Nobody was there! I got checked in right away and was taken back to my private room. At this point I was also having back pain that was getting progressively worse. Getting out of bed, getting in and out of cars and standing after sitting was becoming more painful with each passing day. I figured since I was there, I would add it to my list of things to check. Everyone’s main concern was that I might be becoming septic, so a bunch of vials of blood were draw. One set from the IV line they just placed, another set from a random spot in my arm and the third set from my port. One set was sent to the lab in house, while the other two were sent off to outside labs. I got into a tiff with one of the nurses about doing the blood draw. She desperately wanted to use my left side, so we had blood from both arms, but I flat out told her no. I didn’t want to chance Lymphedema and having my arm blow up to the size of a balloon. Once she realized what was going on she finally agreed. They also tested me for COVID and the flu.

Thankfully I came back negative for COVID and flu and the blood work wasn’t showing anything concerning as it came back. They then decided to do a chest x-ray to make sure I didn’t have pneumonia. It was pretty cool, instead of having to get and go to the x-ray room, they brought the x-ray to me. It worked out well since I was hooked up to an IV for fluids. After the x-ray I asked them for some pain meds for my back. They asked if I wanted morphine. I just started laughing and said no, we can start with something not so strong. And anyone who knows me, knows that morphine has a history of making me see pick elephants. I just wasn’t up for hallucinating yet.

The ER doc came in and said that the x-ray showed a spot on my right lung that could either be pneumonia or a cyst that would need to be drained. Next up was a CT scan to see which option would be the lucky winner. They wheeled me over to the CT room and got my IV set up for the contrast dye and got me set up on the machine. The whole procedure took like 10 minutes. They wheeled me back to my room and we waited, again.

The ER doc finally came back in. The spot that they found on the x-ray wasn’t pneumonia or a cyst, it was breast cancer that went rouge and set up home on my lung. This was such a shock and kick to the gut. It was honestly the last thing that I expected them to say. My chemo doc arrived next to the ER and gave me a massive hug. We then started getting a game plan into place. A PET Scan was already scheduled for May 19, so we kept that to see what else might be going on. She then put in orders for a biopsy of the tumor on my lung and that is now scheduled for Monday, May 22. She then warned me that I will probably have to do IV chemo again. Alright, bald girl summer part 2 here we come.

The doc wanted to keep me on the chemo pills but was worried about what was causing the random fevers, so she ordered a strong antibiotic with hope it would keep them at bay. With all this cancer talk we got home, and I realized we completely forgot about my back. Advil was working to keep the pain down, but by Thursday the amount of pain I was in was unbearable. My team called in some super duty pain meds and it has taken the edge off for the most part.

I will be honest here… I am absolutely scared to my core. There is still so much left unknow. I am doing my best taking it one day at a time, but staying strong is hard.

WHAT I NEED FROM YOU… just give me a call or a text letting me know that you are thinking of me. Let’s not have our whole conversation be about me. Your kid hit a homerun, great tell me all about it. You hit a skunk with your car, not so great, but tell me more. I need to keep my life as normal as possible.

If you call to complain about the care I am receiving from my doctors, stop right there. I will not tolerate any negative talk about my care or my team of docs. You don’t like how long the test results are taking, that sucks for you. I would rather have tests that are done properly than a rush job with half ass answers.

I go tomorrow morning for the biopsy. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. As soon as I have more info I will let you all know.
​
XOXO

​I don’t care what anyone says… cancer effects not just your body, but your mind and soul as well. Each step of treatment tends to pick on one more than the others, but they all get their fair share of battle.
​
BODY – Radiation has certainly done a number on how my body looks and feels. 30 radiation sessions, 6 weeks, 5 days a week, has left me burnt, stiff and sore. My team of doctors rushed starting radiation as soon as it was safe. That meant I was still dealing with recovering from surgery, while starting radiation. I had lost some of the range of motion of my arm, as well as strength. I also developed a condition called cording. My second surgery required axillary lymph node dissection, which means that a ton of lymph nodes were removed during my mastectomy. My physical therapist says it is caused by scar tissue pulling on muscles making it look like you have guitar cords running down your arm. It also the reason why my range of motion is greatly reduced. The good news is with a bunch of exercises, some stretching and massage the cording is gone. Radiation can cause the cording to return, so I will continue with physical therapy for at least another month.

Also, since I had about 12 lymph nodes removed, I am now prone to Lymphedema. Lymph nodes are like little filters for your body. With having so many removed, there is a chance that they can get blocked up and cause swelling in my left arm. Radiation can cause scarring and blockage, that will further increase my risk. To help combat this risk I wore a compression sleeve during treatment. Going forward I can never have my blood pressure done on my left side, nor can I have an IV put in my left arm. I will also be that girl that wears a compression sleeve while flying. This is just to help keep fluid moving in my arm and to prevent buildup. The plus side is one treatment method is massage. So, if you know if anyone that is trained in lymphedema massage, let me know!

MIND – These last few weeks my mind has been all over the place. I am so disappointed that I can’t say I’m done with treatment. There are all the videos on social media of people finishing up radiation and ringing a bell in celebration. I don’t get to ring a bell, and while I can celebrate finishing radiation, I still have 6 more months of treatment to go. While I understand that the chemo pill will help me live a longer life, I’m just not looking forward to it. What sucks is while the side effects are supposed to be nowhere near as serve as the IV chemo, the side effects tend to vary greatly per person, so I am just keeping my fingers crossed that the side effects I get are minor.

I’m also trying to keep my mind busy so it will not focus on my burnt noob (Dawn speak for No Boob). The plus side of having a mastectomy is that my chest area is pretty numb still. I can tell that is hurts, I just can’t feel how much it really hurts. I’ll take the win where I can.

I’m also trying not to focus on the what ifs and what could possibly be in store. I am doing my best to focus on what is going on here and now. The unfortunate thing that cancer has given is extreme panic attacks. It’s hard when people, as well meaning as they might be, ask when my next scan is going to be. There is so much healing that my body has to do before we can even discuss doing a scan. I don’t want to really think about it right now, because it is so far out of my control.

SOUL – Trying to focus on the little, positive things is what’s keeping my soul alive. I'm hoping that I can also get back into cooking and creating recipes for you all in the very near future. Cooking and being in my kitchen is really my happy place. The chemo pill isn't supposed to mess up my taste buds. Keep your fingers for me.

What my soul really needs is to spend some time on a beach, with a cocktail in hand, but that will have to wait a few more months. In the meantime, a quick trip to Nashville will do the trick. There isn’t nothing some good country music and excellent food can’t fix. 

​To say that 2022 ended with a bang and 2023 has had a rocky start is a bit of an understatement. Having 12 hours to wrap my head around having a mastectomy was a lot. To be honest, I think I’m still processing everything that happened. The pathology reports for the new tumor finally came back. It is triple negative, which is a change from the first tumor which was slightly estrogen positive. It was extremely aggressive, with a reproduction rate of 80 – 90%. Having the mastectomy was the right thing to do.

I was also the topic of tumor/cancer board a few more times. I guess it’s true that people will always talk about boobs. LOL Before they knew what type of cancer the tumor was, it was thought that I would do more chemo before radiation. With the realization of the tumor being triple negative, it was decided that starting with radiation was my best bet. When radiation is done I will get a few weeks to recover and then I will begin the oral chemo for 6 months. As you know by now, I’m all about having a plan, so knowing what the future should look like gave me a bit of comfort.

After the surgery I decided to focus on resetting my mind and doing a bit of internal healing. My body looks so different, and I am still working on accepting it. The amount of reading that I have done is insane. I have tried to balance my murder/mystery novels with a bit of self-love and a touch of what to expect when dealing with triple negative cancer. The one thing that came up due to the time of year, is picking a word to guide you through the year. I’ve read about it before and just racked it up to some “new age” thing and just didn’t need. Hmmm… maybe I do?

So, I did a bit of a deep dive into it. People choose a word that will be their life theme for the year. They use it as their compass on how to approach the highs and low that will come at them in the year. It is in essence what they are striving for and hopefully will push them towards a personal growth that will improve their life.
Oh what the heck! Let’s play. Since I am still new to picking a word I checked out Pinterest to see what everyone else was doing. Growth was at the top of the list. Nope… not going to pick that one.  My body had done enough “growing” to last a lifetime. Change came up next. Ehhh… I’ve had 6 months of change, not sure If I can do a whole year of that being the focus. Dang… this is harder that it looks. Then I found a quick questionnaire that should help. Here are the questions and my answers.

1. Complete the sentence. During the past year, I felt that I was _______. Write down 1 – 3 words.
My answer was frustrated, overwhelmed and disappointed.

2. How do you want to feel on the 31st of December? Be as descriptive as possible.
My answer was: I want to know that everything that was possible to be done to keep me cancer free and living a happy life was done. I want to know that I am on the right path and will have many more years to come.

3. Write down a few words that come to your mind that you think should set the theme for the new year based on the answers you wrote.
Positivity, success, believe, strong, conquer Hmmm… Believe sounds good.

I believe that I will beat cancer. I believe that the doctors will pick the right path of treatment for me. I believe that it will all work out in the end. I believe that I will always be a “kick-ass chick” no matter what the struggle.

​Just like that, my path for 2023 was chosen. I will believe in the good, I will believe that I am a warrior, and I will believe in tomorrow.

The last week of 2022 was a whirlwind! Christmas was a nice little break from my worries about the biopsy and what was to come next. Once the holiday was over things were kicked into high gear.

Tuesday was a pretty normal day until my cell rang that afternoon. It was my surgeon. It seems that I was topic of the breast cancer tumor board for over an hour that day. The biopsy results still weren’t back, but they were 98% sure it would come back cancer. They spent the time debating back and forth the best way to remove the tumor and how to stop it from multiplying again. The board said it was time to remove the entire left breast, and it needed to be done fast. Due to the urgency to get the surgery done, I wouldn’t be able to have any of the reconstructive part done at the same time. The surgeon went into the details and believe me, my head was spinning. The decision was ultimately mine to make, but I agreed I wanted the best chance of survival. She then promised to call on Wednesday, probably in the afternoon, with the results and surgery info.

Warp-speed get my life in order began immediately. Work projects were hastily finished or handed off. Massive amounts of laundry were completed. The surgeon called Wednesday around 10am saying that the biopsy came back as cancer. It had mutated from the original tumor and was more aggressive than they originally thought. My best bet was a mastectomy. I agreed. They wanted to do surgery that afternoon, and since I only had a cup of tea, surgery was possible. I was being added to the schedule as an add on, so the surgery center would be in touch soon with a time to come in.

I then called the hubs and my mom and told them it was go time. They both arrived at the house a half hour later. While I was on the phone with the hospital sorting out details, the two of them packed up the Christmas decorations and got the house in tip top shape. They did their best to keep my mind off of what was going to happen.

Finally, it was time to go. Mom headed back to her place and the hubs and I took off towards the hospital. Due to COVID regulations, hubs could only stay with me in the waiting room. Once I was brought to the prep area the hubs was sent home to wait. While I understand that they want to reduce their expose to possible COVID, having someone who is about to go through such a big surgery sit alone, is just cruel. The plus side is I already knew my surgical team from my previous surgeries. They had all volunteered to stay late so I could have the surgery done right away.

I’ll spare you the horrid details, but the surgery was a success. My entire left breast was removed and was sent out to be tested. The team of docs want to see how the tumor grows in the tissue, so they can then determine what chemo to use that would be most efficient. Since the cancer has mutated, chemo will have to be done again, and will be started as soon as it is safe to do so (approx. 3 weeks). The waiting game has started again on what my next step will be.

I am glad to say that 2022 is finally over. Don't get me wrong, there are some parts that I cherish and hold close to my heart. Here’s to hoping 2023 will bring more cherish memories!

Dear Santa,

I know it’s been a while since you’ve heard from me. I’m hoping that I’m not too old and you can grant my Christmas wish.

You see, after my surgery I thought things were going well. The surgeon was able to remove the tumor in its entirety and we all thought that I was cancer free. Then the rest of the pathology reports came in and a bit of bad news arrived. It seems that one of the lymph nodes “leaked” and there is no telling on how long it’s has been going on. It could have been 3 months or 2 days. So, while yes, the tumor is gone, there is no way to say that I’m cancer free.

The panel of doctors reviewed my case. I asked them to think out of the box. Since my case wasn’t ordinary, I didn’t want just an ordinary treatment. So, they put their heads together and came up with a plan. I didn’t love it at first, but I’ll do what must be done. Radiation will come first, once I’ve healed. Then will come 6 months of a chemo pill, 2 weeks on – 1 week off, to kick any lingering cancer out of my body. I only agreed to the chemo pill because they promised I could pause it to go on vacation. I am in desperate need of some time on a beach, a cocktail or two and not a worry or care.

With a plan in hand, there was only one thing left to do. Before radiation a PET scan would be good. They knew that it would show trauma from the surgery, but they wanted to make sure cancer hadn’t taken up residence anywhere else. So, Monday I went, and all was well, until the results were posted in my health portal. Hallelujah! There were no signs of cancer anywhere else, but the left breast is showing another mass. It might just be a bit of trauma from the surgery, but a mammogram and ultrasound are needed to stop the worry.

The orders were placed and Friday morning I was at the Women’s Breast Center for a “squeeze and scan” and a few laughs too. The one thing I’ve learned is after your ultrasound, it is not good when the doc that reviews the images comes in. The mass looks a lot like the cancer tumor that they just removed, so a biopsy is needed to see what it really is. The good news is they were able to fit me in for the biopsy in about 45 minutes. Now for the best surprise, the tech and the doc that did my biopsy back in May was the team that were going to do the biopsy. Yippee! Old friends, kind of. Once we got started the biopsy was quick and for the third time in 6 months, I was leaving the hospital with an ice pack in my bra.

I should know the results sometime next week and I will do anything for all this fuss to be about nothing. If it isn’t could you please send me some extra strength to get through whatever comes next?

Merry Christmas!
​
Love,
Dawnie

This Thanksgiving I have so much to be thankful for! My surgery went well last week. The surgeon was able to remove the tumor, without having to take the entire breast, and also removed 5 lymph nods. She had to put a drain in, but she had prepped me for that before I went into surgery. Originally I was only going to have "twilight anesthesia", but the surgery team decide right before to do general anesthesia in case they had to do more than just a lumpectomy. Once an anesthesia path is chosen you can't change it, so they wanted to error on the safe side. When they got started, they realized that I didn't need it, but that's okay.

The day after my surgery I received a phone call from the surgeon. I was expecting a call from her nurse, but not her. Some of the pathology reports were back already and she had good news that she wanted to share. They were able to remove all of the cancer!!!!!! If I was able to do cartwheels I would have done some I was so excited. I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders. The tumor would still be tested to see why it didn't react to the chemo they way it should have, but any chemo going forward should just be preventative. 

I spent the rest of last week laying low and catching up on some TV. I was given strict instructions not to lift more than 10 pounds, but it is important to keep moving. I went into the surgeon's office Friday with the hopes that they would be able to remove the drain, but alas, that wasn't the case. The nurse said that I was healing nicely but removing the drain wasn't possible. There was still too much fluid coming from the site. If they were to remove it, she would end up having to use a syringe to drain it, and that wouldn't be fun. Hopefully when I go back this Friday they will be able to remove it then.

I have appointments lined up in December with the radiation doc and with the chemo doc. I know that they are anxiously awaiting the test results so they can get the next steps of my treatment plan sorted out. I am too, but today I am going to focus on just being grateful for being cancer free, for my hubs, for my family and for my friends. Tomorrow is never promised. Make sure that your loved ones know that they are loved. Live with no regrets. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

The month of October saw my chemo treatments going as planned after my break. The Neupogen shots did the job in keeping my white bloods cells up. In fact, it did so well that after the first round I was able to cut back to only 2 shots, instead of 3. My arms were happy to hear that! I was able to complete 3 rounds of Taxol, for a total of 8 rounds. Whoo hoo! Only 4 left... or so I thought.

As soon as I started Taxol again, the numbness in my heels and tingly feeling in my tongue returned. It was mild so the nurses said to just keep an eye on it. The minute it got worse I needed to call. I woke up on November 4 with the bottom of my left foot and my entire mouth numb. Oh no! I spent a few hours that morning walking around hoping that would get the feeling going in my foot and drinking lukewarm tea, so I didn't burn my mouth. Nothing was working, so I messaged my Chemo doc what was going on. Within two minutes of hitting send, my phone was ringing. It was one of the awesome nurses wanting more info to pass onto the doc. I explained everything that I was feeling and also mentioned that I was feeling like the lump had gotten bigger because it was starting to get really tender. The nurse promised to call back as soon as she spoke with the doc, so I settled in for another round of the waiting game. Thankfully it wasn't too long of a wait, but she had bad news for me. Since the neuropathy, aka the numb tingly feeling, had spread to my entire foot and was starting in my mouth, we needed to postpone the next chemo treatment for at least a week. Crap! There goes being done with chemo by December. The nurse then said that the doc would message me back with more details, but to take it easy the next week and to be careful with my foot and mouth. The doc's message was pretty much the same thing but did touch on my concerns about the lump changing size. My ultrasound was scheduled for next week, so she wouldn't speculate anything but would let my surgeon know my concerns. Next thing I know the surgeon's office is calling to schedule me to come in after my ultrasound. At this point I'm trying not to worry and just let it all play out, but I won't lie... I was an emotional mess! 

My ultrasound appointment came quickly. The tech was super cool and indulged my geeking out by explaining what everything meant. She then asked if I remembered what the size was of the tumor. Ummm... you mean the number part? Nope! She laughed and said she would find it in the file. She then went to show the images to the doc on call to make sure that they were good. I was a bit concerned when she came back with the doc to take another look. It was the doc that did my biopsy, so it was nice to chat and say hello. He then had honor of giving me bad news again. The lump had grown in size and is now bigger than when he did the biopsy back in May. Crap! Okay, now to start the waiting game again.

Thankfully, my chemo doc messaged me right away letting me know that she saw the biopsy and was sad that we didn't have good news. She would be meeting with my team of docs in the morning and would call as soon as they had a game plan. Do they not know by now that waiting is not my favorite? The next day came, and I heard back from my doc. Surgery would be up next, as soon as it could be scheduled, and more chemo will be done after I have healed. Ugh! The ball was now in the surgeon's hands.

The next day was my appointment with my surgeon. I brought my mom with me for support. I would hear my fate on if she would be able to keep it as a lumpectomy or if a mastectomy would have to be done. Ever since I heard that the lump had grown the anxiety of having a mastectomy had increased by a million. When my surgeon walked into the appointment room the first thing, she said was they were hiding an appointment from me. They had reserved the surgery room for Tuesday, just in case. She then examined my breast and was extremely certain that she would only have to do a lumpectomy. Finally, some good news! She then explained that once the tumor was removed it would be sent off to be extensively tested to see what chemo drug it is not resistant to. The results would hopefully be back by then end of the week. My new chemo planned would be figured out from there. She then mentioned that every year there were about 2 -3 people that didn't respond to set chemo treatment. I was her second person for the year.

Of course, I would have to have the tumor that is really a rebel without a cause.

There was more changes going on in October than just the weather. I ended September by completing dose 5 of chemo. The days afterward seemed pretty normal. I was tired, but that’s the joys of chemo. I went to have blood drawn on Wednesday, October 5, like normal. The labs came in later that evening. My white blood cell count was low but should be good enough for chemo. I then looked at the number that is for my bone marrow. Gulp… it’s at .5. Bare minim is 1 to proceed. This might not go as planned.
 
I call the doctor’s office that morning to see if we are on schedule. The doctor wants to review it all. If I don’t hear anything by noon start the steroids, just in case. So, at noon I started the steroids. If I didn't start then, I would be on a steroid high come the evening. I finally hear from the doctor’s office. We are putting chemo on hold. Well poop! Thanks to the steroid I no longer need a nap. We are going to need to change your entire schedule so we can add Neupogen to your treatment plan. Umm okay. They then proceed to tell me that I will be doing Chemo now on Monday, followed by Neupogen shots on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and then return on Friday for blood work, so we can start this all over again. I’m not loving all this driving back and forth, but if it will make things easier in the end, I’ll do it. The drawback of the new plan is the fact I can’t get chemo until October 17. 17 long days of hopefully cleaning out my system.
 
I slept a lot during this time. Cried a bit because I was just so frustrated that there is no easy fix to all of this. The shower is the perfect place to have a sob fest.  Most of all I was disappointed that I would still be doing chemo until after Thanksgiving. I blamed myself for not having a proper immune system that couldn't hand off of this. I shamed myself for being broken. After my pity party I stood up and decided that regardless, I had cancer's ass to kick, and I wasn't going to back down. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to squeeze the surgery into this year. I’m being told that this is a good possibility, so I hope they are right!
 
Through the tears and disappointment there was a bit of goodness that came out of it. I was starting to rival Mr. Clean on who has the baldest head. No chemo for 17 days meant that my hair on my head slowly came back. It’s not very long, but it’s very soft. Oh, and it’s not grey!! It's all about the little victories right now.
 
The numbness and tingly sensation that I was starting to develop in the heels of my feet and my pinky fingers has subsided for the time being. The tingly feeling on my togue is almost gone as well and most things taste normal again. I’m so excited for this. Being a foodie and not knowing how awesome something taste is such a bummer.
 
Today, I started my chemo appointment with a quick visit with the doc to touch base and to see how I’m holding up. I’m okay, just want to get the show on the road. She measured the tumor to see if the size has changed and it hadn’t. Boo! She feels like the tumor shifted a bit and has moved closer to the surface. I had thought that myself but didn’t want to sound extra crazy. I will be doing an ultrasound at the beginning of November, so we will know more then. If the tumor hasn’t shrunk anymore by then, then we have a serious discuss about calling off chemo. Its job is to shrink the tumor. If it isn't working, them why put my body though the stress of it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that by adding in Neupogen my body will go back to breast cancer butt kicking super babe I know it can do. Keep your fingers crossed too!

Last week was one heck of a week! Let's start with the good news... my white blood cells were just high enough to be able to do another dose of chemo. Yippee!! It took two different blood tests and a week of doing absolutely nothing, but we were able to make it happen, and I am grateful.

I started the week meeting with my chemo doc for our check in appointment. It was decided at the very beginning of the appointment that I would be off work for the week. This was to allow my body the time and my brain the ability to just shut everything off. There is no vitamin or food that can increase your white blood cells. The only thing that works is rest and no stress. This was hard for me as I don't sit still well. Somehow, I managed to only check email once a day. Hopefully not working won't be a long-term thing. If it is, I will definitely drive my hubby nuts. Having minimal contact with the outside world made me a bit clingy. I tried to not be so cray-cray and started an organization/clean-up project, so I'm going to drive him nuts anyways. LOL

Trying to save my husband's sanity, I brought up adding back in the white blood cell shot/booster. But, no, it's not that easy. It takes about a week for the shot to start building new white blood cells. When I was doing chemo every other week, that was fine, but with doing chemo every week, it doesn't give the shot enough time to work. If we end up having to skip another week, we might add in a shot, but it most likely won't happen. We also talked about what would happen if my white blood cells didn't cooperate. Having too much time between doses of taxol is not ideal. She then decided to reduce the amount that I'm receiving by 10% in hopes it will give my white blood cells a fighting chance. We also discussed that at any time I felt I couldn't continue with the chemo, we could stop, but she ideally, I would have at least 6 doses of the taxol done. I'm hoping I can do all 12 but will be happy if I only do 10. It is so hard knowing that as much as you want to reach the finish line, it might not be possible.

While I was at my appointment my eyes were watering like crazy! I mean it was so bad that she thought I was crying. Once I explained that I wasn't crying but I also had to give up wearing eye makeup cause it runs right off due to the massive watering eyes I have developed, she gave me a tip. Go get a bottle of natural tear drops. Huh?!?! My eyes are watering because the chemo has sucked almost all the moisture out of my body. Adding in the eye drops will help keep them moist, and in turn slow down the watering. Within 2 days of regular eye drop use, my eyes feel like normal again.

Now for the super good news... My tumor has shrunk by half its size!!!!!! I left the office walking on cloud nine. All the nastiness of the two different chemo treatments so far were worth it.  I went home and celebrated with a bowl of ice cream for lunch.

Next up was a check in with my breast surgeon. As I was driving to my appointment my chemo doc's office called. The blood draw that they did the day before showed my white blood cells were still a bit too low to do chemo on Friday. They wanted to know if I could come back up and give another blood sample. My day was wide open after my appointment with the surgeon thanks to not working, so I added to my calendar to head up afterwards. Now, the plus side is I learned from the week before not to start the steroids until I got the go ahead from the doctor's office. Starting the steroids late might keep me up all half the night, but I didn't want to start them without needing them.

The appointment with my breast surgeon was very informative but left me feeling a bit emotionally unstable. Even with all of this good work of the tumor shrinking, there is still a chance - a small one, that we won't be able to do a lumpectomy and I could lose the whole breast. I am trying not to dwell on this, but it is overwhelming. If a mastectomy has to be done it will add an additional 6 - 12 months to my recovery. This wasn't part of my plan, but if I have to pivot I will. I just won't be happy about it.

Another thing that I learned is that there is a very short window of time available between finishing chemo and having surgery. Once chemo is done, I will need 3 weeks to let my body recover and heal from the chemo. BUT I will need to have the surgery by 6 weeks from my last chemo date. All of this is to make sure that the chemo doesn't start growing again. The small plus with this time frame is I will have surgery by end of 2022.

So, with my head a spinning I went back up to my chemo doc for another blood test. The team rushed the results through and within the hour I got the call. Start popping those steroid pills! Your white blood cells went up just enough to do chemo.

​So, here I now sit, 3 days past chemo popping Advil like candy cause the joint pain is out of this world. Tomorrow should be a turning point... just in time to get back on this emotional highway again.