​I don’t care what anyone says… cancer effects not just your body, but your mind and soul as well. Each step of treatment tends to pick on one more than the others, but they all get their fair share of battle.
​
BODY – Radiation has certainly done a number on how my body looks and feels. 30 radiation sessions, 6 weeks, 5 days a week, has left me burnt, stiff and sore. My team of doctors rushed starting radiation as soon as it was safe. That meant I was still dealing with recovering from surgery, while starting radiation. I had lost some of the range of motion of my arm, as well as strength. I also developed a condition called cording. My second surgery required axillary lymph node dissection, which means that a ton of lymph nodes were removed during my mastectomy. My physical therapist says it is caused by scar tissue pulling on muscles making it look like you have guitar cords running down your arm. It also the reason why my range of motion is greatly reduced. The good news is with a bunch of exercises, some stretching and massage the cording is gone. Radiation can cause the cording to return, so I will continue with physical therapy for at least another month.

Also, since I had about 12 lymph nodes removed, I am now prone to Lymphedema. Lymph nodes are like little filters for your body. With having so many removed, there is a chance that they can get blocked up and cause swelling in my left arm. Radiation can cause scarring and blockage, that will further increase my risk. To help combat this risk I wore a compression sleeve during treatment. Going forward I can never have my blood pressure done on my left side, nor can I have an IV put in my left arm. I will also be that girl that wears a compression sleeve while flying. This is just to help keep fluid moving in my arm and to prevent buildup. The plus side is one treatment method is massage. So, if you know if anyone that is trained in lymphedema massage, let me know!

MIND – These last few weeks my mind has been all over the place. I am so disappointed that I can’t say I’m done with treatment. There are all the videos on social media of people finishing up radiation and ringing a bell in celebration. I don’t get to ring a bell, and while I can celebrate finishing radiation, I still have 6 more months of treatment to go. While I understand that the chemo pill will help me live a longer life, I’m just not looking forward to it. What sucks is while the side effects are supposed to be nowhere near as serve as the IV chemo, the side effects tend to vary greatly per person, so I am just keeping my fingers crossed that the side effects I get are minor.

I’m also trying to keep my mind busy so it will not focus on my burnt noob (Dawn speak for No Boob). The plus side of having a mastectomy is that my chest area is pretty numb still. I can tell that is hurts, I just can’t feel how much it really hurts. I’ll take the win where I can.

I’m also trying not to focus on the what ifs and what could possibly be in store. I am doing my best to focus on what is going on here and now. The unfortunate thing that cancer has given is extreme panic attacks. It’s hard when people, as well meaning as they might be, ask when my next scan is going to be. There is so much healing that my body has to do before we can even discuss doing a scan. I don’t want to really think about it right now, because it is so far out of my control.

SOUL – Trying to focus on the little, positive things is what’s keeping my soul alive. I'm hoping that I can also get back into cooking and creating recipes for you all in the very near future. Cooking and being in my kitchen is really my happy place. The chemo pill isn't supposed to mess up my taste buds. Keep your fingers for me.

What my soul really needs is to spend some time on a beach, with a cocktail in hand, but that will have to wait a few more months. In the meantime, a quick trip to Nashville will do the trick. There isn’t nothing some good country music and excellent food can’t fix. 

​To say that 2022 ended with a bang and 2023 has had a rocky start is a bit of an understatement. Having 12 hours to wrap my head around having a mastectomy was a lot. To be honest, I think I’m still processing everything that happened. The pathology reports for the new tumor finally came back. It is triple negative, which is a change from the first tumor which was slightly estrogen positive. It was extremely aggressive, with a reproduction rate of 80 – 90%. Having the mastectomy was the right thing to do.

I was also the topic of tumor/cancer board a few more times. I guess it’s true that people will always talk about boobs. LOL Before they knew what type of cancer the tumor was, it was thought that I would do more chemo before radiation. With the realization of the tumor being triple negative, it was decided that starting with radiation was my best bet. When radiation is done I will get a few weeks to recover and then I will begin the oral chemo for 6 months. As you know by now, I’m all about having a plan, so knowing what the future should look like gave me a bit of comfort.

After the surgery I decided to focus on resetting my mind and doing a bit of internal healing. My body looks so different, and I am still working on accepting it. The amount of reading that I have done is insane. I have tried to balance my murder/mystery novels with a bit of self-love and a touch of what to expect when dealing with triple negative cancer. The one thing that came up due to the time of year, is picking a word to guide you through the year. I’ve read about it before and just racked it up to some “new age” thing and just didn’t need. Hmmm… maybe I do?

So, I did a bit of a deep dive into it. People choose a word that will be their life theme for the year. They use it as their compass on how to approach the highs and low that will come at them in the year. It is in essence what they are striving for and hopefully will push them towards a personal growth that will improve their life.
Oh what the heck! Let’s play. Since I am still new to picking a word I checked out Pinterest to see what everyone else was doing. Growth was at the top of the list. Nope… not going to pick that one.  My body had done enough “growing” to last a lifetime. Change came up next. Ehhh… I’ve had 6 months of change, not sure If I can do a whole year of that being the focus. Dang… this is harder that it looks. Then I found a quick questionnaire that should help. Here are the questions and my answers.

1. Complete the sentence. During the past year, I felt that I was _______. Write down 1 – 3 words.
My answer was frustrated, overwhelmed and disappointed.

2. How do you want to feel on the 31st of December? Be as descriptive as possible.
My answer was: I want to know that everything that was possible to be done to keep me cancer free and living a happy life was done. I want to know that I am on the right path and will have many more years to come.

3. Write down a few words that come to your mind that you think should set the theme for the new year based on the answers you wrote.
Positivity, success, believe, strong, conquer Hmmm… Believe sounds good.

I believe that I will beat cancer. I believe that the doctors will pick the right path of treatment for me. I believe that it will all work out in the end. I believe that I will always be a “kick-ass chick” no matter what the struggle.

​Just like that, my path for 2023 was chosen. I will believe in the good, I will believe that I am a warrior, and I will believe in tomorrow.

The last week of 2022 was a whirlwind! Christmas was a nice little break from my worries about the biopsy and what was to come next. Once the holiday was over things were kicked into high gear.

Tuesday was a pretty normal day until my cell rang that afternoon. It was my surgeon. It seems that I was topic of the breast cancer tumor board for over an hour that day. The biopsy results still weren’t back, but they were 98% sure it would come back cancer. They spent the time debating back and forth the best way to remove the tumor and how to stop it from multiplying again. The board said it was time to remove the entire left breast, and it needed to be done fast. Due to the urgency to get the surgery done, I wouldn’t be able to have any of the reconstructive part done at the same time. The surgeon went into the details and believe me, my head was spinning. The decision was ultimately mine to make, but I agreed I wanted the best chance of survival. She then promised to call on Wednesday, probably in the afternoon, with the results and surgery info.

Warp-speed get my life in order began immediately. Work projects were hastily finished or handed off. Massive amounts of laundry were completed. The surgeon called Wednesday around 10am saying that the biopsy came back as cancer. It had mutated from the original tumor and was more aggressive than they originally thought. My best bet was a mastectomy. I agreed. They wanted to do surgery that afternoon, and since I only had a cup of tea, surgery was possible. I was being added to the schedule as an add on, so the surgery center would be in touch soon with a time to come in.

I then called the hubs and my mom and told them it was go time. They both arrived at the house a half hour later. While I was on the phone with the hospital sorting out details, the two of them packed up the Christmas decorations and got the house in tip top shape. They did their best to keep my mind off of what was going to happen.

Finally, it was time to go. Mom headed back to her place and the hubs and I took off towards the hospital. Due to COVID regulations, hubs could only stay with me in the waiting room. Once I was brought to the prep area the hubs was sent home to wait. While I understand that they want to reduce their expose to possible COVID, having someone who is about to go through such a big surgery sit alone, is just cruel. The plus side is I already knew my surgical team from my previous surgeries. They had all volunteered to stay late so I could have the surgery done right away.

I’ll spare you the horrid details, but the surgery was a success. My entire left breast was removed and was sent out to be tested. The team of docs want to see how the tumor grows in the tissue, so they can then determine what chemo to use that would be most efficient. Since the cancer has mutated, chemo will have to be done again, and will be started as soon as it is safe to do so (approx. 3 weeks). The waiting game has started again on what my next step will be.

I am glad to say that 2022 is finally over. Don't get me wrong, there are some parts that I cherish and hold close to my heart. Here’s to hoping 2023 will bring more cherish memories!

Dear Santa,

I know it’s been a while since you’ve heard from me. I’m hoping that I’m not too old and you can grant my Christmas wish.

You see, after my surgery I thought things were going well. The surgeon was able to remove the tumor in its entirety and we all thought that I was cancer free. Then the rest of the pathology reports came in and a bit of bad news arrived. It seems that one of the lymph nodes “leaked” and there is no telling on how long it’s has been going on. It could have been 3 months or 2 days. So, while yes, the tumor is gone, there is no way to say that I’m cancer free.

The panel of doctors reviewed my case. I asked them to think out of the box. Since my case wasn’t ordinary, I didn’t want just an ordinary treatment. So, they put their heads together and came up with a plan. I didn’t love it at first, but I’ll do what must be done. Radiation will come first, once I’ve healed. Then will come 6 months of a chemo pill, 2 weeks on – 1 week off, to kick any lingering cancer out of my body. I only agreed to the chemo pill because they promised I could pause it to go on vacation. I am in desperate need of some time on a beach, a cocktail or two and not a worry or care.

With a plan in hand, there was only one thing left to do. Before radiation a PET scan would be good. They knew that it would show trauma from the surgery, but they wanted to make sure cancer hadn’t taken up residence anywhere else. So, Monday I went, and all was well, until the results were posted in my health portal. Hallelujah! There were no signs of cancer anywhere else, but the left breast is showing another mass. It might just be a bit of trauma from the surgery, but a mammogram and ultrasound are needed to stop the worry.

The orders were placed and Friday morning I was at the Women’s Breast Center for a “squeeze and scan” and a few laughs too. The one thing I’ve learned is after your ultrasound, it is not good when the doc that reviews the images comes in. The mass looks a lot like the cancer tumor that they just removed, so a biopsy is needed to see what it really is. The good news is they were able to fit me in for the biopsy in about 45 minutes. Now for the best surprise, the tech and the doc that did my biopsy back in May was the team that were going to do the biopsy. Yippee! Old friends, kind of. Once we got started the biopsy was quick and for the third time in 6 months, I was leaving the hospital with an ice pack in my bra.

I should know the results sometime next week and I will do anything for all this fuss to be about nothing. If it isn’t could you please send me some extra strength to get through whatever comes next?

Merry Christmas!
​
Love,
Dawnie

This Thanksgiving I have so much to be thankful for! My surgery went well last week. The surgeon was able to remove the tumor, without having to take the entire breast, and also removed 5 lymph nods. She had to put a drain in, but she had prepped me for that before I went into surgery. Originally I was only going to have "twilight anesthesia", but the surgery team decide right before to do general anesthesia in case they had to do more than just a lumpectomy. Once an anesthesia path is chosen you can't change it, so they wanted to error on the safe side. When they got started, they realized that I didn't need it, but that's okay.

The day after my surgery I received a phone call from the surgeon. I was expecting a call from her nurse, but not her. Some of the pathology reports were back already and she had good news that she wanted to share. They were able to remove all of the cancer!!!!!! If I was able to do cartwheels I would have done some I was so excited. I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders. The tumor would still be tested to see why it didn't react to the chemo they way it should have, but any chemo going forward should just be preventative. 

I spent the rest of last week laying low and catching up on some TV. I was given strict instructions not to lift more than 10 pounds, but it is important to keep moving. I went into the surgeon's office Friday with the hopes that they would be able to remove the drain, but alas, that wasn't the case. The nurse said that I was healing nicely but removing the drain wasn't possible. There was still too much fluid coming from the site. If they were to remove it, she would end up having to use a syringe to drain it, and that wouldn't be fun. Hopefully when I go back this Friday they will be able to remove it then.

I have appointments lined up in December with the radiation doc and with the chemo doc. I know that they are anxiously awaiting the test results so they can get the next steps of my treatment plan sorted out. I am too, but today I am going to focus on just being grateful for being cancer free, for my hubs, for my family and for my friends. Tomorrow is never promised. Make sure that your loved ones know that they are loved. Live with no regrets. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

The month of October saw my chemo treatments going as planned after my break. The Neupogen shots did the job in keeping my white bloods cells up. In fact, it did so well that after the first round I was able to cut back to only 2 shots, instead of 3. My arms were happy to hear that! I was able to complete 3 rounds of Taxol, for a total of 8 rounds. Whoo hoo! Only 4 left... or so I thought.

As soon as I started Taxol again, the numbness in my heels and tingly feeling in my tongue returned. It was mild so the nurses said to just keep an eye on it. The minute it got worse I needed to call. I woke up on November 4 with the bottom of my left foot and my entire mouth numb. Oh no! I spent a few hours that morning walking around hoping that would get the feeling going in my foot and drinking lukewarm tea, so I didn't burn my mouth. Nothing was working, so I messaged my Chemo doc what was going on. Within two minutes of hitting send, my phone was ringing. It was one of the awesome nurses wanting more info to pass onto the doc. I explained everything that I was feeling and also mentioned that I was feeling like the lump had gotten bigger because it was starting to get really tender. The nurse promised to call back as soon as she spoke with the doc, so I settled in for another round of the waiting game. Thankfully it wasn't too long of a wait, but she had bad news for me. Since the neuropathy, aka the numb tingly feeling, had spread to my entire foot and was starting in my mouth, we needed to postpone the next chemo treatment for at least a week. Crap! There goes being done with chemo by December. The nurse then said that the doc would message me back with more details, but to take it easy the next week and to be careful with my foot and mouth. The doc's message was pretty much the same thing but did touch on my concerns about the lump changing size. My ultrasound was scheduled for next week, so she wouldn't speculate anything but would let my surgeon know my concerns. Next thing I know the surgeon's office is calling to schedule me to come in after my ultrasound. At this point I'm trying not to worry and just let it all play out, but I won't lie... I was an emotional mess! 

My ultrasound appointment came quickly. The tech was super cool and indulged my geeking out by explaining what everything meant. She then asked if I remembered what the size was of the tumor. Ummm... you mean the number part? Nope! She laughed and said she would find it in the file. She then went to show the images to the doc on call to make sure that they were good. I was a bit concerned when she came back with the doc to take another look. It was the doc that did my biopsy, so it was nice to chat and say hello. He then had honor of giving me bad news again. The lump had grown in size and is now bigger than when he did the biopsy back in May. Crap! Okay, now to start the waiting game again.

Thankfully, my chemo doc messaged me right away letting me know that she saw the biopsy and was sad that we didn't have good news. She would be meeting with my team of docs in the morning and would call as soon as they had a game plan. Do they not know by now that waiting is not my favorite? The next day came, and I heard back from my doc. Surgery would be up next, as soon as it could be scheduled, and more chemo will be done after I have healed. Ugh! The ball was now in the surgeon's hands.

The next day was my appointment with my surgeon. I brought my mom with me for support. I would hear my fate on if she would be able to keep it as a lumpectomy or if a mastectomy would have to be done. Ever since I heard that the lump had grown the anxiety of having a mastectomy had increased by a million. When my surgeon walked into the appointment room the first thing, she said was they were hiding an appointment from me. They had reserved the surgery room for Tuesday, just in case. She then examined my breast and was extremely certain that she would only have to do a lumpectomy. Finally, some good news! She then explained that once the tumor was removed it would be sent off to be extensively tested to see what chemo drug it is not resistant to. The results would hopefully be back by then end of the week. My new chemo planned would be figured out from there. She then mentioned that every year there were about 2 -3 people that didn't respond to set chemo treatment. I was her second person for the year.

Of course, I would have to have the tumor that is really a rebel without a cause.

There was more changes going on in October than just the weather. I ended September by completing dose 5 of chemo. The days afterward seemed pretty normal. I was tired, but that’s the joys of chemo. I went to have blood drawn on Wednesday, October 5, like normal. The labs came in later that evening. My white blood cell count was low but should be good enough for chemo. I then looked at the number that is for my bone marrow. Gulp… it’s at .5. Bare minim is 1 to proceed. This might not go as planned.
 
I call the doctor’s office that morning to see if we are on schedule. The doctor wants to review it all. If I don’t hear anything by noon start the steroids, just in case. So, at noon I started the steroids. If I didn't start then, I would be on a steroid high come the evening. I finally hear from the doctor’s office. We are putting chemo on hold. Well poop! Thanks to the steroid I no longer need a nap. We are going to need to change your entire schedule so we can add Neupogen to your treatment plan. Umm okay. They then proceed to tell me that I will be doing Chemo now on Monday, followed by Neupogen shots on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and then return on Friday for blood work, so we can start this all over again. I’m not loving all this driving back and forth, but if it will make things easier in the end, I’ll do it. The drawback of the new plan is the fact I can’t get chemo until October 17. 17 long days of hopefully cleaning out my system.
 
I slept a lot during this time. Cried a bit because I was just so frustrated that there is no easy fix to all of this. The shower is the perfect place to have a sob fest.  Most of all I was disappointed that I would still be doing chemo until after Thanksgiving. I blamed myself for not having a proper immune system that couldn't hand off of this. I shamed myself for being broken. After my pity party I stood up and decided that regardless, I had cancer's ass to kick, and I wasn't going to back down. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to squeeze the surgery into this year. I’m being told that this is a good possibility, so I hope they are right!
 
Through the tears and disappointment there was a bit of goodness that came out of it. I was starting to rival Mr. Clean on who has the baldest head. No chemo for 17 days meant that my hair on my head slowly came back. It’s not very long, but it’s very soft. Oh, and it’s not grey!! It's all about the little victories right now.
 
The numbness and tingly sensation that I was starting to develop in the heels of my feet and my pinky fingers has subsided for the time being. The tingly feeling on my togue is almost gone as well and most things taste normal again. I’m so excited for this. Being a foodie and not knowing how awesome something taste is such a bummer.
 
Today, I started my chemo appointment with a quick visit with the doc to touch base and to see how I’m holding up. I’m okay, just want to get the show on the road. She measured the tumor to see if the size has changed and it hadn’t. Boo! She feels like the tumor shifted a bit and has moved closer to the surface. I had thought that myself but didn’t want to sound extra crazy. I will be doing an ultrasound at the beginning of November, so we will know more then. If the tumor hasn’t shrunk anymore by then, then we have a serious discuss about calling off chemo. Its job is to shrink the tumor. If it isn't working, them why put my body though the stress of it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that by adding in Neupogen my body will go back to breast cancer butt kicking super babe I know it can do. Keep your fingers crossed too!

Last week was one heck of a week! Let's start with the good news... my white blood cells were just high enough to be able to do another dose of chemo. Yippee!! It took two different blood tests and a week of doing absolutely nothing, but we were able to make it happen, and I am grateful.

I started the week meeting with my chemo doc for our check in appointment. It was decided at the very beginning of the appointment that I would be off work for the week. This was to allow my body the time and my brain the ability to just shut everything off. There is no vitamin or food that can increase your white blood cells. The only thing that works is rest and no stress. This was hard for me as I don't sit still well. Somehow, I managed to only check email once a day. Hopefully not working won't be a long-term thing. If it is, I will definitely drive my hubby nuts. Having minimal contact with the outside world made me a bit clingy. I tried to not be so cray-cray and started an organization/clean-up project, so I'm going to drive him nuts anyways. LOL

Trying to save my husband's sanity, I brought up adding back in the white blood cell shot/booster. But, no, it's not that easy. It takes about a week for the shot to start building new white blood cells. When I was doing chemo every other week, that was fine, but with doing chemo every week, it doesn't give the shot enough time to work. If we end up having to skip another week, we might add in a shot, but it most likely won't happen. We also talked about what would happen if my white blood cells didn't cooperate. Having too much time between doses of taxol is not ideal. She then decided to reduce the amount that I'm receiving by 10% in hopes it will give my white blood cells a fighting chance. We also discussed that at any time I felt I couldn't continue with the chemo, we could stop, but she ideally, I would have at least 6 doses of the taxol done. I'm hoping I can do all 12 but will be happy if I only do 10. It is so hard knowing that as much as you want to reach the finish line, it might not be possible.

While I was at my appointment my eyes were watering like crazy! I mean it was so bad that she thought I was crying. Once I explained that I wasn't crying but I also had to give up wearing eye makeup cause it runs right off due to the massive watering eyes I have developed, she gave me a tip. Go get a bottle of natural tear drops. Huh?!?! My eyes are watering because the chemo has sucked almost all the moisture out of my body. Adding in the eye drops will help keep them moist, and in turn slow down the watering. Within 2 days of regular eye drop use, my eyes feel like normal again.

Now for the super good news... My tumor has shrunk by half its size!!!!!! I left the office walking on cloud nine. All the nastiness of the two different chemo treatments so far were worth it.  I went home and celebrated with a bowl of ice cream for lunch.

Next up was a check in with my breast surgeon. As I was driving to my appointment my chemo doc's office called. The blood draw that they did the day before showed my white blood cells were still a bit too low to do chemo on Friday. They wanted to know if I could come back up and give another blood sample. My day was wide open after my appointment with the surgeon thanks to not working, so I added to my calendar to head up afterwards. Now, the plus side is I learned from the week before not to start the steroids until I got the go ahead from the doctor's office. Starting the steroids late might keep me up all half the night, but I didn't want to start them without needing them.

The appointment with my breast surgeon was very informative but left me feeling a bit emotionally unstable. Even with all of this good work of the tumor shrinking, there is still a chance - a small one, that we won't be able to do a lumpectomy and I could lose the whole breast. I am trying not to dwell on this, but it is overwhelming. If a mastectomy has to be done it will add an additional 6 - 12 months to my recovery. This wasn't part of my plan, but if I have to pivot I will. I just won't be happy about it.

Another thing that I learned is that there is a very short window of time available between finishing chemo and having surgery. Once chemo is done, I will need 3 weeks to let my body recover and heal from the chemo. BUT I will need to have the surgery by 6 weeks from my last chemo date. All of this is to make sure that the chemo doesn't start growing again. The small plus with this time frame is I will have surgery by end of 2022.

So, with my head a spinning I went back up to my chemo doc for another blood test. The team rushed the results through and within the hour I got the call. Start popping those steroid pills! Your white blood cells went up just enough to do chemo.

​So, here I now sit, 3 days past chemo popping Advil like candy cause the joint pain is out of this world. Tomorrow should be a turning point... just in time to get back on this emotional highway again.

What a difference a week makes... Last week I was riding my steroid high, so excited that I was halfway through my chemo journey. The new treatment seemed to be doing okay, with the exception of riding the steroid roller-coaster. In order to keep any of the possible side effects of Taxol at bay, I get loaded up the day before with steroids. Then when they are pumping the poison in, they add a mix of more steroids and Benadryl. The plus side of all these steroids is that my appetite comes back for a few days, so I haven't lost any more weight, and food tastes good!

This week I noticed that I started feeling bit more sluggish than normal. I just chalked it up to the 100+ degree weather that we were having. Wednesdays I go for blood draws, just to check my numbers for a bunch of different things and to make sure my white and red blood cells aren't getting too low.  The results normally show up Wednesday evening. This week the rolling black outs due to the extreme heat delayed the results until late Thursday morning. I didn't think anything of it and started taking my steroids like I was told to do. Thursday afternoon the chemo doc's office called. It seems that my White Blood Cells count was practically non-existent. Chemo for Friday was canceled. Steroids were taken for nothing. The nurse asks me how I'm feeling, and I tell her fine. I was at work getting ready for a meeting. She couldn't believe it. I tried to beg her to not cancel the appointment, but she said that if we did the chemo I could end up in the hospital with a nasty infection. Okay, fine. 

Thursday night my body started trying to slow me down real fast. I think I was close to passing out twice, but I kept going because that is what I do. Finally, about 8pm I admitted defeat. I sat down on the couch and did nothing for a bit. For the first time ever, I was able to sleep through the night while my body was amped up on steroids. The hubs got up at 5am and I promptly went back to sleep until almost 9am. It has been slow moving day. I've been lightheaded a few times, but not as bad as Thursday night. My body is reminding me that my mind is no longer in control. 

I am so disappointed that we are now off my chemo schedule. They gave me a schedule, which meant that I had a plan. Now my plan is delayed a week, at least. Hopefully my white blood cells will cooperate the rest of the time and stay at a good level so I can continue. I hate that there is nothing that I can do to help improve the count. When I was on A&C they gave me a shot that I wore home that helped keep the white blood cells up. I'm not sure why they aren't doing it with the Taxol. I have an appointment with my chemo doc on Monday, so I will be asking if they can add that back in.

I know that it is silly to have goals that are attached to dates with chemo, but I need something to look forward to. My goal is to be done with chemo before Thanksgiving so I can have surgery before Christmas. I want to have the worst part of my cancer journey done and over with in 2022. I will still have to deal with radiation in 2023, but hopefully that will be a walk in the park compared to everything else.

Does it really matter if I have chemo done by Thanksgiving and surgery by Christmas? Not really. Would I like to have all the big bills done in 2022, sure, but does it really matter, no. I just want to get back on track and find comfort in a plan of some sort. It is funny... I was talking with a friend tonight about chemo being delayed and said that I hoped that my white blood cells improve so I can do chemo next week. She laughed and said "so I can do chemo next week" said no one ever. I just laughed and said I guess I'm the odd ball.

Here's to hoping we are heading on the upward track again!

You don't realize how much you need the support of your friends and family, until you are going through hell. The 8 weeks of A&C treatment was definitely taxing on my body, my mind, and yes even my soul. The toll it took forced me to slow down and, for once, put my needs first. Late nights have been banished and I'm no longer surprised if I sleep until 9am and need a nap by 2pm. 

It has been awesome how my support group has shown up for me. It still blows my mind the number of people who want to do something to help. Now, for me accepting the help has been the hard part. I saw accepting help as accepting defeat, and I am not going to lose this fight. Finally, my body yelled at me to not see it as defeat, but to see as an assist in the battle. Game changer! Now instead of it being a one woman show, with my kick ass hubby by my side, we have a fabulous ensemble. 

The meals and treats are amazing and much appreciated. It is certainly nice knowing that I don't have to figure out what we are eating for dinner. With nothing tasting as it should, I don't crave food like I used to. I will say that once my taste buds are back, I'm going out and getting a nice juicy prime rib dinner though. The calls and texts from my friends are priceless. Spending so much time home alone during the day, getting a hello text helps to remind me that I am not alone in this battle. It is really the little things that mean so much.

As I'm typing this, I am getting my first infusion of the T chemo. It is supposed to be easier to tolerate. The downside is it comes with a list of possible allergic reactions. The day before chemo I have to take a bunch of steroids to combat this. The plus side is the steroids make me hungry and I might be able to bench press a car while I'm on them. The downside is I was up until 3am last night. The steroids and my anxiety were stronger than the medication they gave me to counteract it. Another plus is that once they figure out what reactions I might have to it, the infusion time should only be about an hour. I'll take that over the 3+ hours for the A&C. The downside is that I'll be coming to the infusion office twice a week; one time for lab draws and the other for my infusion. At least gas prices are dropping. 

Now to start the countdown on finding the exit on my road through hell. Number 1 out of 12 is almost done. Here's to hoping that there are no potholes in the road and that my friends stick out this journey with me.